“I wish I was someone else.”

That was me. I had no confidence. I felt so un-special and so weak. I was simply surviving without joy, without motivation, without purpose. My life was an alarm clock, work, stress, poor diet, more stress, alcohol, bed, repeat.

I was scared, shy, passive, and submissive.

Feeling intimidated was a “normal” thing for me, it was something I had found comfort in. Not because it was comfortable to sit in, but because it didn´t push me out of my comfort zone.

When getting intimate with a woman, I would start to shiver in uncertainty. I was full of self-doubt.

If I was to remove my shirt in a public place, I would somehow try to hide my belly by squirming and turning from left to right.

When training at the gym, I would look at others and compare myself to them. I believed that they were always better than me. I was immersed in self-judgment and lack of worth.

When someone told me they considered me a good friend, I believed that they just needed a drinking buddy.

I was so disconnected from myself and my emotions. I would continually abuse my body and my mind. Alcohol, long unfulfilling hours at work, and poor food choices were my coping mechanisms to hide the emotions that wanted so much to be heard and acknowledged.

I always wished I had someone else's hair, body, intellect, and life. In other words, I wish I wasn't me.

“Who is this man I have become?”

I was at the lowest point in my life when I woke up one morning knowing I had gone too far. I found myself covered in my puke, toxic thoughts and ashamed of who I had become.

I saw the image of my parents looking down on me. I felt their utter disappointment rush through my body. I was so sad for them. Their little boy whom they nourished and loved so immensely, was treating himself like a worthless piece of shit.

I asked myself 'Nico, what are you doing? Is this the life you want for yourself? Why are you treating yourself this way? Who is this man you've become?!'

That was the end of that version of Nico. I could not be that guy anymore. I realized the only thing stopping me from loving the life I had created for myself, was me!

I decided I wanted to feel how I imagined those people I put on a pedestal my whole life felt. I wanted to know what it was like to love myself, to love my body, to feel amazing inside my own skin.

I changed my career, worked with a mentor, and took the time to do the things I wanted to achieve in my life all of which were all connected to my masculine core.

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